Ctrl Alt Freak

Didn't quite make it to January, as the somwhat Spartan drizzle of blogs seem to arrive once a month, nothing!

Oh well, good thing I made no resolution...

There's something been brought to my attention in the last few days/weeks/years but for some reason it spoke to me really loudly today. probably because i have come to some realisation that the way i have been acting is contrary to God's Tapestry. It's confesssin' time boys...

I am a Control Freak. I always remember being this way. probably a fairly typical symptom for the child that never developed from primary play. But somehow, tonight, it seems totally transparent. It permeates throughout every pore of my life, from the areas where it gives me respect and sucess to those where it hurts me, the people i love, and most importantly, the almighty God to whom i have promised to dedicate my life to. My heart says "Here I am: Take Me", but my mind gently pipes up with "Let's plan this out - remember Plan - Do - Check - Action - Plan". Well, I'm sorry Mr Stockbridge, life does not revolve around management strategies.

It's also about winning. I tend to figure, if i can control something enough, usualy to the exclusion of anyone else. then I will win. not the prize, don't tend to win them often (crap at sports and average academically) but i get the job done, and that seems the important thing. Just getting the job done. Sound ok? maybe, but accepting loss or losing control just makes me see red.

Does the world end if it doesn't get done on time? of course not. Does God still love you when you screw up? of course He does, maybe he even shows His for you more when you do. It's easy to forget, in this sucess driven world, that God's love is a parent's love for a child. And children screw up all the time, that's all part of the process (and some of the charm in my mind). We're going to screw up, that doesn't mean that we should never try. But it's the getting up, brushing down, and carrying on running that's important. We should all learn from our mistakes, that's why God let's them happen. But if we turn that around, it shows the vitality of mistakes, they are fundamentall to life. That we need mistakes to learn. not always, but sometimes. I'm being really vague here, and that's just how i feel.

What comes from this fairly obvious statement then? Well for me it leads me to think of trust and fear. Not sure why I fear not suceeding, and hence why i am so controlling at times, why i cant cope if things aren't going my way. Maybe that will come. but this is more of a declaration, and a prayer. That i can let God into this part of my life, to find it in me to trust Him. Trust is something i really struggle with and this comes from the fact that if i'm in control, then i don't need to trust. That's not to say I dont trust, it just doesn't come naturally at times.

All this comes at a time of feeling quite lonely: (this room, full of stuff, just seems cold and lifeless without Sam here, and I miss her terribly this evening). Of great excitement towards the wedding, but of also some fear of the unknown. But also a the feelings of love and duty towards my future wife, and of stupid helplessness when i realise there is nothing practical i can do to help with her fears and pressures that weigh on her at the moment. Somepart of me thinks that it's not enough to love and pray for her, that i need to strategize and fix. Rubbish. who am I to second guess God? I need to fall?
Ben,
Just give up. Stop holding on. Let go. there is nothing to fear. open you eyes. Check out that view, it's beautiful. Enjoy the ride. save your energy. Do what God asks you to.
Worship Him in a spirit of freedom. Let Him carry you (C'mon, He created the universe and you're what? 11 stone. don't be so damn proud).
For those who hope in the Lord will renew their strengh, they will fly on wings like eagles.

Wake up.