and the beat goes on...

Turning the key...

2007-03-20T20:29:00.000Z

Hi all(?)

Been thinking about music recently. more specifically the music I used to listen to alot. Music that I have left behind somewhat, since my life has been maturing and growing. This all came from a conversation during our cell group yesterday. It was a fairly brush-off ice breaker whereby we all (about 12 of us) took it in turns to name and justify our (or one of our) favourite movies. Now, i imagine there have been a million blog posts on this subject so i will not explore it any further.

But, it did have a point. The leader of the discussion ended it by commenting that you can know something about a person from the movies (my interpretation: stories) they hold close to their hearts. This fits in nicely with the ideas of a John Eldredge, who states that the stories that we connect to speak of greater truths in our lives, of our spiritual need, and of the story that has been running through our (and God's) spirit since (and prior to) creation. Now this is something i hope to expore further one day - to help me understand myself, my family and friends, and my relationship with God. But, amidst all the great stories quoted by various members of the group, such as Lord of the Rings, Titanic, Life is Beautiful, The Notebook, Lion King, and Gladiator, the one clear film i could think of is not a film of great story - it is one of life (in that story itself is love, anger, death, passion, and change - the subjects of many of the above), but in a seriously undramatic way. On discussing, it was the sublime 'feel' of the film that came out as the reason why i seem to connect with it. it has a rhythm, a pulse that runs through it (in the score, the editing, and the story) that builds to a minor crescendo, but all in a day, and you finish it knowing that it will all happen again tomorrow, but that nothing is really the same as time goes by. There are two other films seen recently that have affected me so - Garden State, and Crash (the new one...). Either way, there is a pattern. A pattern that seems to spill over in to all of my other heart-stories (love of music, art, prose, etc) that must have some connection. If i can filter out the immediate feelings and pass through the emotional memory, and with prayer, i hope to gain a better understanding of my lost desires - the things my heart need (read: the things God put in my heart). I may use this as a scrapbook of sorts to, or i may not, as recent blogging history has shown - it don't get done to often!

There is something in certain sounds that touch my heart, it's hard to describe, but it's always been there, from the child with his head pressed to the hi-fi speaker straining to to hear the breath of the Andean pipe players as they created mesmerising sounds, to the dark days leading up to my accepting of Christ. I thought i was just being avant garde, the never-ending art student in me - so i left it behind and moved on. But it still talks to me, draws me in, and pulls at my very being.

I'll end with two videos to play at your leisure. The first is a new video of a track by Colleen that i feel has the elements (and I, as a scientist am trying to analysis my feelings, to find a pattern, a governing logic, a unifying factor (which is my belief in God as the source, subject, and goal of this universe) and the source of the longing in me) of my discussion. There are also some mighty nice visuals. Sorry if they're slow to load - that's just life!

Next is an old track by Japanese virtuoso percussionist Asa-Chang featuring Junray, and Hana. This shook me when i heard it, there is no way i can understand the words, they may as well be meaningless, but there is a sublime tension that i just can't place. I don;t get the video, but it was an easy way to get it on here...

You tubing music...

2007-02-11T17:02:00.000Z

Most of you will have seen the video of Lasse Gjertson on Jon's Blog recently, so I thought that some may find this entertaining:

There is a whole strange world of music out there on Youtube. Some fantastic, some weird, and strangely the majority are filmed in the bedrooms of Asian teenagers!

Oh well

Best of 2006

2007-01-01T15:12:00.000Z

Ok, following on from Jon's call to arms... Here's a few thoughts from last year.

It's been a seriously full-on year, with the major happenings including: Getting married, moving house, almost buying said house (instead that will have to form the first of 2007's), promotion at work, new car... All of this extra responsibility has come along with a fairly full bag of emotional ups and downs as well. In some ways, emotionally and spiritually, I feel as though I have taken
a step back this year, and where I have grown in some areas of my life, others have diminished. but at least I kind of know where I stand. The year ahead can be seen as a continuation of study, career, but also the start of new things - new house, the next stage of our marriage, and hopefully a growing emotional and spiritual maturity. Here's hoping anyway!

On a lighter note, lets take a look at the highs of the year, in terms of the world of entertainment.

Best Films: Children of Men - Big budget British Sci-fi, a refreshing but harrowing look at a future facing the end of humanity. Could have been utterly rubbish and trite, but a great cast, sensitive story, and fantastic photography make this my top choice. Others include Tsotsi, Everything is Illuminated, and Casino Royale.

Best Books: I've read very little this year, what with all those OU books I have to get through. But a couple of good ones I've skipped through are Gods Generals by Roberts Liardon and The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge.

Best Albums: Cerys Matthews - Never Said Goodbye, A Collision - David Crowder Band, Life in Slow Motion - David Gray, Surprise - Paul Simon, On My Way To You - Rigmor Gustafsson, and the mighty Takk -Sigur Ros . Again, it's been a very slow year musically, but the end of the year has brought around a couple of great live DVDs, namely Ben Folds and WASO (West Australia Symphony Orchestra), and Farewell to the World, the 1996 Final concert by Crowded House, as the play out to Don't Dream It's Over, there is not a dry eye in the 130,000 strong crowd on the steps of the Sydney Opera House...

Best Websites: No Surprises here, really just Flickr, Google's personalised Desktop, and the continuous drooling over Apple.com.

That's it for now, I might even try to write in this thing more than once this year!

The Sea Lion, part 6

2006-12-10T09:10:00.000Z

Three weeks after the winds ceased to blow, the sea lion had a dream. Now, as I told you before there were other nights in which he had dreamed of the sea, but those were long ago and nearly forgotten. Even still, the ocean that filled his dreams this night was so beautiful and clear, so vast and deep, it was as if he were seeing it for the very first time. The sunlight glittered on its surface, and as he dived, the waters all around him shone like an emerald. If he swam quite deep it turned to jade, cool and dark and mysterious. But he was never frightened, not at all. For I must tell you that, in all his dreams of the sea, he had never found himself in the company of other sea lions. This night there were many round about him, diving and turning, spinning and twirling. They were playing. Oh, how he hated to wake from that wonderful dream. The tears running down his face were the first wet thing he had felt in three weeks. But he did not pause even to wipe them away, he did not pause, in fact, for anything at all. He set his face to the east, and he began to walk as best a sea lion can.

“Where are you going?” asked the tortoise.

“I’m going to find the sea”

The End.

(John Eldredge)

The Sea Lion, part 5

2006-11-26T09:45:00.000Z

It was in May that the wind began to blow. The sea lion had grown used to wind, and at first he did not pay much heed to it at all. Years of desert life had taught him to turn his back in the direction from which the wind came, and cover his eyes with his flippers so that the dust would not get in. Eventually the winds would always pass, but not this time… Day and night it came, howling across the Barren Lands, there was nothing to stop it’s fury, nothing to even slow it down. For forty days and forty nights the wind blew. And then, just as suddenly as it begun, it stopped. The sea lion lifted himself to have a look around… He could hardly believe his eyes. Every single leaf had been stripped from his tree, the branches that remained with only a twig or two left on them looked like an old scarecrow. And I do not need to tell you that there was no longer any shade from which to hide. But worse than this, much worse indeed, was what the sea lion saw next. The water hole was completely dry.

(John Eldredge)

Te Sea Lion, part 4

2006-11-19T09:40:00.000Z

The sea lion was not entirely alone in those parts. For it was there he met the tortoise. Now this tortoise was an ancient creature, so weathered by his life in the barren lands that at first, the sea lion mistook him for a rock! He told the tortoise of his plight, hoping that this wise one might be able to help him.

“Perhaps,” the tortoise mused, “ this is the sea”.

His eyes appeared to be shut against the brightness of the sun, but he was watching the sea lion very closely. The sea lion swept his flippers once against his side, gliding to the other side of the water hole and back,

“I don’t know,” he said, “it isn’t very deep”

“Isn’t it?”

“Somehow, I thought the sea would be broader, deeper, at least, I hoped so.”

“You must learn to be happy here” the tortoise told him one day, “for it is unlikely you shall ever find this sea of yours.”

Deep in his old and shrivelled heart, the tortoise envied the sea lion and his sea.

“But I belong to the sea. We were made for each other…”

“Perhaps, but you have been gone so long now, the sea has probably forgotten you.”

This thought had never occurred to the sea lion, but it was true, he had been gone for a long, long time…

“But if this is not my home, then how can I ever feel at home here?” the sea lion asked.

“You will, in time.”

The tortoise appeared to be squinting, his eyes a thin slit.

“I have seen the sea, and it is no better than what you have found here”

“You have seen the sea?!?”

“Yes. Come closer” whispered the tortoise. “and I will tell you a secret. I am a not a tortoise, I am a sea turtle. But I left the sea of my own accord, many years ago, in search of better things. If you stay with me, I will tell you stories of my adventures.”

The stories of the ancient tortoise were enchanting, and soon cast their spell upon the sea lion. As weeks passed into months, his memory of the sea faded,

“The desert,” whispered the tortoise “is that is, or was, or shall ever be.”

When the sun grew fierce and burned his skin, the sea lion would hide in the shade of the tree, listening to the tales woven by the tortoise. When the dry winds cracked his flippers, and filled his eyes with dust, the sea lion would retreat to the waterhole.

And so the sea lion remained, living his days between waterhole and tree.

The sea no longer filled his dreams.

(John Eldredge)

The Sea Lion, part 3

2006-11-14T18:18:00.000Z

The sea lion loved his rock, and he even loved waiting night after night for the sea breezes that might come. Especially he loved the dreams those memories would stir. But as you well know, even the best of dreams cannot go on, and in the morning when the sea lion woke, he was still in the barren lands. Sometimes he would close his eyes and try to fall back asleep. It never seemed to work, for the sun was always very bright. Eventually it became too much for him to bear. He began to visit his rock, only on occasion. “I have too much to do” he told himself. “I cannot waste my time just idling about”. He really did not have so much to do, the truth of it was: waking so far from home was such a disappointment he did not want to have those wonderful dreams anymore. The day finally came when he stopped going to his rock altogether, and he no longer lifted his nose to the wind when the sea breezes blew…

(John Eldredge)

The Sea Lion, part 2

2006-11-12T17:48:00.000Z

Had you journeyed in those days through the barren lands you might have seen the sea lion for yourself. Quite often, in the evening he would go and sit upon his favourite rock, a very large boulder which lifted him off the burning sand and allowed him a view of the entire country. There he would remain for hours into the night, silhouetted against the sky, and on the best nights, when the wind shifted toward the east, a faint smell of salt air would come to him on the breeze, and he would close his eyes and imagine himself once more at the sea. When he lay himself down to sleep, he would dream of a vast deep ocean. Twisting and turning, diving and twirling he would swim and swim and swim. When he woke, he thought he heard the sound of breakers; the sea was calling to him…

(John Eldredge)

The Sea Lion, part 1

2006-11-10T21:44:00.000Z

Once upon a time, there was a sea lion who had lost the sea. He lived in a country known as the Barren Lands. High on a plateau, far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dust that it could only be called a desert. A kind of coarse grass grew in patches, here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes wind, which together, make one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you a sea lion. But things like this do happen. How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no-one could remember, it all seemed so very long ago. So long, in fact, that it seemed as though he had always been there. Not that he could belong in such an arid place, how could that be? He was after all a sea lion. But, as you know, once you have lived so long in a certain spot, no matter how odd, you come to think of it as home.

(John Eldredge)

mySpace?

2006-03-11T21:34:00.000Z

Hi everyone,

Haven't been here in a while (forgot how to get in!!). I've spent some time over the last few days checking out mySpace... I'm liking the way it works, and to be honest, I'm liking the breakdown of barriers between bands and mere people: it's a strange feeling the I have my face on a website for bands I love, and that they (or their team of mySpace gurus) have looked at my space. It's also good to be able to keep up with peoples news, read their bizarre questionaires (adam!), and steal their friends (also, check out some of retrofect's friends - interesting bunch!!!).

It has that friendsreunited feel about it too, where you can looked names of people you used to know and check out how they're doing, or not, as the case maybe (it is saddening when you come across somebody who had so much potential that seems to be falling into a bad way, makes me realise how far i've come, and how it could still be if i had taken some hard choices..)

Kinda sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, like the world is rushing by, everythings a bit big and scary. Within two months, I'll be married, be living in a new house, learning to live out in the big bad world as a proper functioning couple. But, you know what, I got a helmet, and I feel safe and confident. so much so that i can now see the 'big bad' world as something to right stuck into, to enjoy, to influence and to try to change for the better. I may not have the same dreams for local community and youth as many of my friends, but I have been feeling the burdon of the glory of the cross weighing on my heart, and I feel a space a for to try to live the gospel in my own sphere. Be it the world of construction, science, academia, or who knows what, boy do they need it...

I'm trying for a new job at present, for many reasons: to get out from my current job (from the shadow of an overbearing manager and lazy supervisor), to push into something new, to be able to live a resource to my church, and to be Jesus to a greater range of people. Oh yeah, and a company car!!! So prayer for that would be much appreciated, it's certainly not a given, over 40 people have applied, I don't really have the experience needed, and even if i dont get it, i'll keep on pushing other directions...

Anyway, just to finish off, check out Iain Archer, known of him for a while, he's involved with Snow Patrol and the Reindeer Section, and also Duke Special (remember him Jon?). Just bought Flood the Tanks from iTunes. pretty cool...

Good Bless

PS, i just figured out how to put in links!!!

Ctrl Alt Freak

2006-02-02T22:09:00.000Z

Didn't quite make it to January, as the somwhat Spartan drizzle of blogs seem to arrive once a month, nothing!

Oh well, good thing I made no resolution...

There's something been brought to my attention in the last few days/weeks/years but for some reason it spoke to me really loudly today. probably because i have come to some realisation that the way i have been acting is contrary to God's Tapestry. It's confesssin' time boys...

I am a Control Freak. I always remember being this way. probably a fairly typical symptom for the child that never developed from primary play. But somehow, tonight, it seems totally transparent. It permeates throughout every pore of my life, from the areas where it gives me respect and sucess to those where it hurts me, the people i love, and most importantly, the almighty God to whom i have promised to dedicate my life to. My heart says "Here I am: Take Me", but my mind gently pipes up with "Let's plan this out - remember Plan - Do - Check - Action - Plan". Well, I'm sorry Mr Stockbridge, life does not revolve around management strategies.

It's also about winning. I tend to figure, if i can control something enough, usualy to the exclusion of anyone else. then I will win. not the prize, don't tend to win them often (crap at sports and average academically) but i get the job done, and that seems the important thing. Just getting the job done. Sound ok? maybe, but accepting loss or losing control just makes me see red.

Does the world end if it doesn't get done on time? of course not. Does God still love you when you screw up? of course He does, maybe he even shows His for you more when you do. It's easy to forget, in this sucess driven world, that God's love is a parent's love for a child. And children screw up all the time, that's all part of the process (and some of the charm in my mind). We're going to screw up, that doesn't mean that we should never try. But it's the getting up, brushing down, and carrying on running that's important. We should all learn from our mistakes, that's why God let's them happen. But if we turn that around, it shows the vitality of mistakes, they are fundamentall to life. That we need mistakes to learn. not always, but sometimes. I'm being really vague here, and that's just how i feel.

What comes from this fairly obvious statement then? Well for me it leads me to think of trust and fear. Not sure why I fear not suceeding, and hence why i am so controlling at times, why i cant cope if things aren't going my way. Maybe that will come. but this is more of a declaration, and a prayer. That i can let God into this part of my life, to find it in me to trust Him. Trust is something i really struggle with and this comes from the fact that if i'm in control, then i don't need to trust. That's not to say I dont trust, it just doesn't come naturally at times.

All this comes at a time of feeling quite lonely: (this room, full of stuff, just seems cold and lifeless without Sam here, and I miss her terribly this evening). Of great excitement towards the wedding, but of also some fear of the unknown. But also a the feelings of love and duty towards my future wife, and of stupid helplessness when i realise there is nothing practical i can do to help with her fears and pressures that weigh on her at the moment. Somepart of me thinks that it's not enough to love and pray for her, that i need to strategize and fix. Rubbish. who am I to second guess God? I need to fall?
Ben,
Just give up. Stop holding on. Let go. there is nothing to fear. open you eyes. Check out that view, it's beautiful. Enjoy the ride. save your energy. Do what God asks you to.
Worship Him in a spirit of freedom. Let Him carry you (C'mon, He created the universe and you're what? 11 stone. don't be so damn proud).
For those who hope in the Lord will renew their strengh, they will fly on wings like eagles.

Wake up.

remember that which has gone before

2005-12-08T22:58:00.000Z

Wake up, open your eyes, arise...

Just about a month ago I proclaimed this, then promptly forgot it. The things i warned against, i did. Protect your heart i said, be careful not to get to busy, stay focused. I left all the things i needed out of my heart.

I've been giving my all to my work. Taking on and training a new member of staff in my manager's absence, worrying about why i am doing it (which always results in a resounding pointless pile of paperwork and pile of stone, frustration ensues). Why? I give it my all, day to day, and then by friday i'm exhausted. Why? It means nothing to anybody (except my bank balance). Am i wrong to want more? should i settle for less and focus on other things or should i keep pushing to make it better..................................

Yet again I get home tired (after Slam this time, same principles apply). on goes iTunes, and the song that i keep turning to, i cant get it out of my head. 'Come Awake, from sleep arise, you were dead once, come alive, wake up wake up, open your eyes, climb from your grave into the light.'

The song builds into an early crescendo then breaks, the band dabble in partials then an alarm starts to ring, then the chorus breaks, more triumphant than before, like the command realised (Rise up Rise tonight). Shine On Shine. And my heart cries, i want to scream. it cries in passion and it it cries in need and frustration, and in some ways anger. I want release more now than ever but i cant seem to break through. I dont know how to let go...

I feel the power of God's glory in me but i bottle it up (like i always do) until i don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. I want to escape the prison of my mind, to cast off the trappings of this wretched society. and to stand naked in the rain (think shawhank redemption). but then i go to bed, wake up then go to work, you see?

I'm focusing in, introverting, and i know that it is not always a good thing, and i'm so sorry if i seem selfish. I have no desire to hurt others with my actions, but i have to sort my inside out to produce fuit (anybody know the scipture?).

I have such love for you around me:

For Sam, the greatest gift i have ever received is you, you are so beautiful and i love you with all my heart and i miss you so much right now. I hope i will be all you need on this earth. God is doing this to me so i can grow for you...

Jon, you inspire me (you always have!). You seem so secure in your faith and your life, yet so full of life and with so much to give to your community and you wife and your friends. I am sure it is nothing of a coincidence that we have met up again with me coming to christ. You have led me into many things that have changed my life (Slam, musical worship, a group of friends), so Thank you.

Pete. I know you are going through a really tough time at the moment, it will pass, you know this. I just want you to know that i really value our friendship, you are like the brother i never had. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, even though we could end up on opposite sides of the world to each other, there will always be a place for you in our home.

Right, now i'm just blabbering. Sorry! I'm just crap at ever saying how i really feel anywhere other than this blog.

All i want in life is to be a blessing to others, a servant to God, and not a hypocrite. That is why my inside needs to heal...

But for now, to rest, for one thing i have learned is that a tired and hungry soul is as much use to God as a bicycle to a fish...

Arise and shine, your light need never fade

Ben

Our most desperate hour?... or, A Call to Arms

2005-11-12T12:16:00.000Z

We are at war.

I never realised this until a few weeks ago. Part of me wishes I had never found out, but ultimately I need this knowledge to fight. Reading back over my previous posts I can see it in a different light. I mistakenly said that the pain I have is coming from within me, that I am instrinsicly bad. I realise now that it is not so. I am under attack, my heart is being assaulted by an enemy that had convinced me that it was me. So I let it continue, I have done nothing to guard my heart, I have just let guilt and shame take hold and slowly strangle it. Now it just hurts, it feels bruised and empty.

Satan is taking us down from behind our own lines. We do so much to serve, to give, work, spend, to put out the word and battle Satan from world.

Like the Hyena after the lion, Satan can not beat us head on, he has no power against somebody full in faith. But the hyena keeps the lion running, taunting it, exhasuting it until it is weak and defenceless. Then it moves in for the kill.

He's flanked us, and is currently smashing through our rear-guard, exposing our protected core. And I never saw it coming.

I feel like Neo. Eyes open, truth revealed. Enlightened but seemingly helpless. All I suspected was out there is suddenly real, but more than I ever could imagine. The bad as well as the good.

I know now that Satan is trying to capture my heart, to take away my ability to love... I have been becoming like the Tin man from The Wizard of Oz. So much of me has been taken away as making me a more efficient person, a better technician, problem solver, bass player... It's like a trap you slowly climb into and close over the top of you. It's like the frog on the hob.

But it doesn't have to be like this. Jesus came to give us life, to set the captive free. Freedom. I don't think any other work carries the weight of freedom.

Keep us running, that way we'll never take care of our hearts, We'll get weak and tired, then fall into old ways and temptation, and then we are open to defeat.

That's the enemies strategy. You have to take care of your heart. In it rests the original glory of God, forget original sin, thats a weapon of the devil. We are made in God's image, there is no sin in His image. Jesus opened the way to restore that Glory, and if we nuture it then we cannot lose.

I need to learn about walking with God, receiving his intimate counsel for deep restoration. To restore my heart to what he made it to be. I don't fully understand this but I know i have to submit to allow it to happen.

I just need prayer for strength against attack, because at the moment I am too weak to fight for myself...

Look around yourself though, the enemy is there. Guard your heart, please, with everything you have because it is the key to surviving the battle.

Awake from your sleep, cast off the Veil of Familiarty, open the eyes of your heart. Arise and shine...

New Family Arrival!

2005-10-11T06:02:00.000Z

It's Arrived. Finally.

Just in time to distract me from cramming for exams!!!

She arrived yesterday, a healthy bouncing Vintage V940FL.

Now just to learn how to play it properly, then roll on all the usual strange looks from people at church!

Purify My Imagination

2005-09-15T20:06:00.000Z

Purify my imagination
with you beauty O Lord
Nourish my mind with Your truth
That I may worship
Quicken my conscience to Your holiness
in Your presence O Lord
that I may worship

Sweet adoration, sweet adoration
Holy, Holy, Holy, Is The Lord
Sweet adoration, sweet adoration
Holy, Holy, Holy, Is The Lord our God

Take away the sting of bitterness
by your mercy O Lord
Awaken my soul to Your Grace
That I may worship
How can I hold unforgiveness
knowing you forgave me
i surrender my life my all
that i may worship
Godfrey Birtill 2004(C)Thankyou Music

journey part 2

2005-09-15T19:22:00.000Z

continued...

it's just that i dont understand why it keep's happening. why it keep coming back, why when i feel good i still have the undercurrent of a dark heart underneath... I am willing to go through anything to get rid of this pain. i have no other option, if it carries on i fear i will lose my faith. I desperately do not want to lose Sam, but if it is God's will, then I will accept it. I now place everything into Has hands, my Sam, my Life, my everything. I want my life to be His Glory, but i need to know what He wants from me. I have such a fear of making wrong decisions, that i end up making no decisions at all, then i become weak, i need His to keep in me, and to keep me in his will.

I do not think it is His will that we should be apart though, God has given my a servents heart for Sam's passion. I long to see her stride forward in glory for God, that i may translate God's heart to her, that i may provide for her, and our family.

Now is it too much to ask from an infinate God to be free? am i just being selfish? Is it right that we should accept our lot and assume that 'this' is where God wants us to be, or does he want us four rungs up tha ladder and out of where we are now? to move on and grow. I really don't know. I learn that we need to be thankful for all we have, what ever happens, but then we are encouraged to run forwards for God, to ask and we shall be give. Sometimes i just cant get my head round it.

I want to make sacrifices for God, i want to work for Him towards his Glory.

I feel i have seen His glory, with 500 or so other adults and children. I have seen his spirit poured out and his freedom in a cattleshed in lincoln. Fis fire burned so bright, and His spirit felt so overwhelming that i didn't know what to do with myself, other than play my bass and cry at the perfect singing of angels that rung deafening in my ears. I felt i could never leave, and i realise that i may have left some of myself there. my greatest fear was losing that fire, and now back home it has gone again...

I want to reflect His glory and grace in my relationship with Sam and in fatherhood. I have to give my self to Jesus and only then will i be free to be given selflessly to those i am called to serve. Love protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perserveres. Currently i stand guilty of not doing these things. It should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs. Again, guilty.

'Faith - Hope - Love, but the greatest of these is hope'

I have faith and i have hope that God will release me, release me to love abundantly and freely.

Because 'LOVE NEVER FAILS'

Now is the time to fight for what I love...

Journey to the centre of the soul...

2005-09-15T19:18:00.000Z

I write this to make it real, i write this so that i dont forget.

it may not be best idea, but i lack the courage to talk. this exists as an apology, and attempt at honesty. perhaps the start of a journey.

so here i am facing my fear of being known.

I suffer depression; it's an emptiness, a loss of hope, it lives through fear, and mistrust. i have always had this, but it comes in waves, most of the time i can lift myself out of it, but when i lose my grip, i slip and fall, and i fall so deep i can hardly get out again.

too many times has it taken away from my life, like a thief stalker it's always been there, it took my childhood (or at least what i can remember), it took my teenage years, it took my confidence, it took my education my first love (in one fell swoop), it tried the same a year later and after a two year struggle it won again. Again i had to run. I thought i had lost everything, but all it does is blinker me from the truth (at that time i was saved by one man, and my family stood beside me and dragged me back to life).

It causes me to focus inwards, magnifying my 'hurts', reminding me of how it has won before. In the past i drifted towards suicide, never having the courage make that step, i numbed the pain with self harm (the scars are it's most poignant trophy). Even now as I have faith, it still stalks, rearing it's ugly head when i lower my guard

Too many times has it tried to destroy my faith and my life with Sam, as it did again last night.

But it has to stop. I cant carry on, and neither can Sam. I'm not allowing this rot to rise any further.

(I'm not saying that its a demon, or a separate entity, i am fully aware that it is me. but for the moment, it helps to place it in the third person).

I lost trust in those around me, i dont know why, it all seems so irrational , but i decided that the world is full of evil, that it and the majority of people on it are utterly detestable. I felt angry, I felt at a loss of what to do. I grew tired as Sam and I talked, i becam frustrated at my own position, and then it zoomed in. Suddenly i was the only sentient being on this planet, the only thing that mattered, i was gone. We left the evening with me speed off in the van, and Sam walking off, and my brain told me it was over. Why was i doing this? what was happening, I began to question my faith. Why had i hurt Sam again, against everything i have prayed over the last. I felt as a living contradiction to all i have asked for, to who i felt led to be. I lost trust in Jesus, I'm so sorry, it hurts writing that now (so foolish) but thats what i did...

I was so far gone i had no idea i was hurting Sam even more by being so self centred (the worst of my traits). It becomes a viscious circle, it shadows my heart, blocks the true feelings i have and replaces them with over powering self hatred, which makes me more hurtful to others, and then the guilt and the resignation steps in...
I was losst, back where i started this journey 4 years ago, alone in a car, late at night, tearing myself to pieces, ready to die (or so said the 'reailty' in my head)... Even now i am wracked with fear and guilt of writing this, that it will do more harm than good, that i'm focusing in, but i have to face my enemy to destroy it, fear is no longer an option...

It is not true, i am not lost. But i do need a release. my release will come through Jesus. He can remove the chains from my heart, set me free, to let the love i have for Sam flow out in it's true form, not the needy desperate persona of a lonely child, but a strong love, a love that trusts, and that can be trusted. The love that Jesus has for me.

What can i do to stop this from happening again? Something needs to change, I know the key lies with Jesus. I just have not suceeded in making the practical connection yet. I have done so much wrong in my life, but this is not the place for that confession. I have been forgiven, my sins are gone, and i have been reborn, but I do not feel free, as the depression came with me...

Firsts

2005-09-06T12:12:00.000Z

Life is full of firsts... In some senses, an abundance of firsts is a good thing, but over emphasis on first is risky. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of bettering first each time, creating numerous problems: Self acceptance never comes, decadence and sensationalism take over, life becomes shallow, fickle, and ultimately dissapointing. This society is dogged by moving forwards, by having more fun, making more money, discovering more, more of everthing. fashions change and the undercurrents grow stronger. People have to take more to keep the lights on, or the sensation fades. Drugs are cheaper and more readily available, and stronger, pornography is more degrading and vile than ever before, the occult is the norm.

I am guilty of wanting more in various aspects of my life. I guess it all comes down to heart: the difference between ambition/greed passion/obsession...

But I am trying to learn to accept what I have, to work at what I do, making an investment in my life and the lives of those I affect.

I love first.

but I also love seconds, thirds, and the feeling of 'being' somewhere, as oppossed to 'going' somewhere.

This is my first post.

I hope this grows to become something, that I may learn about myself and my faith. My musings may seem discordant at times, but thats all part of the process. It'll get there in the end!