remember that which has gone before

Wake up, open your eyes, arise...

Just about a month ago I proclaimed this, then promptly forgot it. The things i warned against, i did. Protect your heart i said, be careful not to get to busy, stay focused. I left all the things i needed out of my heart.

I've been giving my all to my work. Taking on and training a new member of staff in my manager's absence, worrying about why i am doing it (which always results in a resounding pointless pile of paperwork and pile of stone, frustration ensues). Why? I give it my all, day to day, and then by friday i'm exhausted. Why? It means nothing to anybody (except my bank balance). Am i wrong to want more? should i settle for less and focus on other things or should i keep pushing to make it better..................................

Yet again I get home tired (after Slam this time, same principles apply). on goes iTunes, and the song that i keep turning to, i cant get it out of my head. 'Come Awake, from sleep arise, you were dead once, come alive, wake up wake up, open your eyes, climb from your grave into the light.'

The song builds into an early crescendo then breaks, the band dabble in partials then an alarm starts to ring, then the chorus breaks, more triumphant than before, like the command realised (Rise up Rise tonight). Shine On Shine. And my heart cries, i want to scream. it cries in passion and it it cries in need and frustration, and in some ways anger. I want release more now than ever but i cant seem to break through. I dont know how to let go...

I feel the power of God's glory in me but i bottle it up (like i always do) until i don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. I want to escape the prison of my mind, to cast off the trappings of this wretched society. and to stand naked in the rain (think shawhank redemption). but then i go to bed, wake up then go to work, you see?

I'm focusing in, introverting, and i know that it is not always a good thing, and i'm so sorry if i seem selfish. I have no desire to hurt others with my actions, but i have to sort my inside out to produce fuit (anybody know the scipture?).

I have such love for you around me:

For Sam, the greatest gift i have ever received is you, you are so beautiful and i love you with all my heart and i miss you so much right now. I hope i will be all you need on this earth. God is doing this to me so i can grow for you...

Jon, you inspire me (you always have!). You seem so secure in your faith and your life, yet so full of life and with so much to give to your community and you wife and your friends. I am sure it is nothing of a coincidence that we have met up again with me coming to christ. You have led me into many things that have changed my life (Slam, musical worship, a group of friends), so Thank you.

Pete. I know you are going through a really tough time at the moment, it will pass, you know this. I just want you to know that i really value our friendship, you are like the brother i never had. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, even though we could end up on opposite sides of the world to each other, there will always be a place for you in our home.

Right, now i'm just blabbering. Sorry! I'm just crap at ever saying how i really feel anywhere other than this blog.

All i want in life is to be a blessing to others, a servant to God, and not a hypocrite. That is why my inside needs to heal...

But for now, to rest, for one thing i have learned is that a tired and hungry soul is as much use to God as a bicycle to a fish...

Arise and shine, your light need never fade

Ben