journey part 2

continued...

it's just that i dont understand why it keep's happening. why it keep coming back, why when i feel good i still have the undercurrent of a dark heart underneath... I am willing to go through anything to get rid of this pain. i have no other option, if it carries on i fear i will lose my faith. I desperately do not want to lose Sam, but if it is God's will, then I will accept it. I now place everything into Has hands, my Sam, my Life, my everything. I want my life to be His Glory, but i need to know what He wants from me. I have such a fear of making wrong decisions, that i end up making no decisions at all, then i become weak, i need His to keep in me, and to keep me in his will.

I do not think it is His will that we should be apart though, God has given my a servents heart for Sam's passion. I long to see her stride forward in glory for God, that i may translate God's heart to her, that i may provide for her, and our family.

Now is it too much to ask from an infinate God to be free? am i just being selfish? Is it right that we should accept our lot and assume that 'this' is where God wants us to be, or does he want us four rungs up tha ladder and out of where we are now? to move on and grow. I really don't know. I learn that we need to be thankful for all we have, what ever happens, but then we are encouraged to run forwards for God, to ask and we shall be give. Sometimes i just cant get my head round it.

I want to make sacrifices for God, i want to work for Him towards his Glory.

I feel i have seen His glory, with 500 or so other adults and children. I have seen his spirit poured out and his freedom in a cattleshed in lincoln. Fis fire burned so bright, and His spirit felt so overwhelming that i didn't know what to do with myself, other than play my bass and cry at the perfect singing of angels that rung deafening in my ears. I felt i could never leave, and i realise that i may have left some of myself there. my greatest fear was losing that fire, and now back home it has gone again...

I want to reflect His glory and grace in my relationship with Sam and in fatherhood. I have to give my self to Jesus and only then will i be free to be given selflessly to those i am called to serve. Love protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perserveres. Currently i stand guilty of not doing these things. It should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs. Again, guilty.

'Faith - Hope - Love, but the greatest of these is hope'

I have faith and i have hope that God will release me, release me to love abundantly and freely.

Because 'LOVE NEVER FAILS'

Now is the time to fight for what I love...