Journey to the centre of the soul...

I write this to make it real, i write this so that i dont forget.

it may not be best idea, but i lack the courage to talk. this exists as an apology, and attempt at honesty. perhaps the start of a journey.

so here i am facing my fear of being known.

I suffer depression; it's an emptiness, a loss of hope, it lives through fear, and mistrust. i have always had this, but it comes in waves, most of the time i can lift myself out of it, but when i lose my grip, i slip and fall, and i fall so deep i can hardly get out again.

too many times has it taken away from my life, like a thief stalker it's always been there, it took my childhood (or at least what i can remember), it took my teenage years, it took my confidence, it took my education my first love (in one fell swoop), it tried the same a year later and after a two year struggle it won again. Again i had to run. I thought i had lost everything, but all it does is blinker me from the truth (at that time i was saved by one man, and my family stood beside me and dragged me back to life).

It causes me to focus inwards, magnifying my 'hurts', reminding me of how it has won before. In the past i drifted towards suicide, never having the courage make that step, i numbed the pain with self harm (the scars are it's most poignant trophy). Even now as I have faith, it still stalks, rearing it's ugly head when i lower my guard

Too many times has it tried to destroy my faith and my life with Sam, as it did again last night.

But it has to stop. I cant carry on, and neither can Sam. I'm not allowing this rot to rise any further.

(I'm not saying that its a demon, or a separate entity, i am fully aware that it is me. but for the moment, it helps to place it in the third person).

I lost trust in those around me, i dont know why, it all seems so irrational , but i decided that the world is full of evil, that it and the majority of people on it are utterly detestable. I felt angry, I felt at a loss of what to do. I grew tired as Sam and I talked, i becam frustrated at my own position, and then it zoomed in. Suddenly i was the only sentient being on this planet, the only thing that mattered, i was gone. We left the evening with me speed off in the van, and Sam walking off, and my brain told me it was over. Why was i doing this? what was happening, I began to question my faith. Why had i hurt Sam again, against everything i have prayed over the last. I felt as a living contradiction to all i have asked for, to who i felt led to be. I lost trust in Jesus, I'm so sorry, it hurts writing that now (so foolish) but thats what i did...

I was so far gone i had no idea i was hurting Sam even more by being so self centred (the worst of my traits). It becomes a viscious circle, it shadows my heart, blocks the true feelings i have and replaces them with over powering self hatred, which makes me more hurtful to others, and then the guilt and the resignation steps in...
I was losst, back where i started this journey 4 years ago, alone in a car, late at night, tearing myself to pieces, ready to die (or so said the 'reailty' in my head)... Even now i am wracked with fear and guilt of writing this, that it will do more harm than good, that i'm focusing in, but i have to face my enemy to destroy it, fear is no longer an option...

It is not true, i am not lost. But i do need a release. my release will come through Jesus. He can remove the chains from my heart, set me free, to let the love i have for Sam flow out in it's true form, not the needy desperate persona of a lonely child, but a strong love, a love that trusts, and that can be trusted. The love that Jesus has for me.

What can i do to stop this from happening again? Something needs to change, I know the key lies with Jesus. I just have not suceeded in making the practical connection yet. I have done so much wrong in my life, but this is not the place for that confession. I have been forgiven, my sins are gone, and i have been reborn, but I do not feel free, as the depression came with me...