remember that which has gone before

Wake up, open your eyes, arise...

Just about a month ago I proclaimed this, then promptly forgot it. The things i warned against, i did. Protect your heart i said, be careful not to get to busy, stay focused. I left all the things i needed out of my heart.

I've been giving my all to my work. Taking on and training a new member of staff in my manager's absence, worrying about why i am doing it (which always results in a resounding pointless pile of paperwork and pile of stone, frustration ensues). Why? I give it my all, day to day, and then by friday i'm exhausted. Why? It means nothing to anybody (except my bank balance). Am i wrong to want more? should i settle for less and focus on other things or should i keep pushing to make it better..................................

Yet again I get home tired (after Slam this time, same principles apply). on goes iTunes, and the song that i keep turning to, i cant get it out of my head. 'Come Awake, from sleep arise, you were dead once, come alive, wake up wake up, open your eyes, climb from your grave into the light.'

The song builds into an early crescendo then breaks, the band dabble in partials then an alarm starts to ring, then the chorus breaks, more triumphant than before, like the command realised (Rise up Rise tonight). Shine On Shine. And my heart cries, i want to scream. it cries in passion and it it cries in need and frustration, and in some ways anger. I want release more now than ever but i cant seem to break through. I dont know how to let go...

I feel the power of God's glory in me but i bottle it up (like i always do) until i don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. I want to escape the prison of my mind, to cast off the trappings of this wretched society. and to stand naked in the rain (think shawhank redemption). but then i go to bed, wake up then go to work, you see?

I'm focusing in, introverting, and i know that it is not always a good thing, and i'm so sorry if i seem selfish. I have no desire to hurt others with my actions, but i have to sort my inside out to produce fuit (anybody know the scipture?).

I have such love for you around me:

For Sam, the greatest gift i have ever received is you, you are so beautiful and i love you with all my heart and i miss you so much right now. I hope i will be all you need on this earth. God is doing this to me so i can grow for you...

Jon, you inspire me (you always have!). You seem so secure in your faith and your life, yet so full of life and with so much to give to your community and you wife and your friends. I am sure it is nothing of a coincidence that we have met up again with me coming to christ. You have led me into many things that have changed my life (Slam, musical worship, a group of friends), so Thank you.

Pete. I know you are going through a really tough time at the moment, it will pass, you know this. I just want you to know that i really value our friendship, you are like the brother i never had. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, even though we could end up on opposite sides of the world to each other, there will always be a place for you in our home.

Right, now i'm just blabbering. Sorry! I'm just crap at ever saying how i really feel anywhere other than this blog.

All i want in life is to be a blessing to others, a servant to God, and not a hypocrite. That is why my inside needs to heal...

But for now, to rest, for one thing i have learned is that a tired and hungry soul is as much use to God as a bicycle to a fish...

Arise and shine, your light need never fade

Ben

Our most desperate hour?... or, A Call to Arms

We are at war.

I never realised this until a few weeks ago. Part of me wishes I had never found out, but ultimately I need this knowledge to fight. Reading back over my previous posts I can see it in a different light. I mistakenly said that the pain I have is coming from within me, that I am instrinsicly bad. I realise now that it is not so. I am under attack, my heart is being assaulted by an enemy that had convinced me that it was me. So I let it continue, I have done nothing to guard my heart, I have just let guilt and shame take hold and slowly strangle it. Now it just hurts, it feels bruised and empty.

Satan is taking us down from behind our own lines. We do so much to serve, to give, work, spend, to put out the word and battle Satan from world.

Like the Hyena after the lion, Satan can not beat us head on, he has no power against somebody full in faith. But the hyena keeps the lion running, taunting it, exhasuting it until it is weak and defenceless. Then it moves in for the kill.

He's flanked us, and is currently smashing through our rear-guard, exposing our protected core. And I never saw it coming.

I feel like Neo. Eyes open, truth revealed. Enlightened but seemingly helpless. All I suspected was out there is suddenly real, but more than I ever could imagine. The bad as well as the good.

I know now that Satan is trying to capture my heart, to take away my ability to love... I have been becoming like the Tin man from The Wizard of Oz. So much of me has been taken away as making me a more efficient person, a better technician, problem solver, bass player... It's like a trap you slowly climb into and close over the top of you. It's like the frog on the hob.

But it doesn't have to be like this. Jesus came to give us life, to set the captive free. Freedom. I don't think any other work carries the weight of freedom.

Keep us running, that way we'll never take care of our hearts, We'll get weak and tired, then fall into old ways and temptation, and then we are open to defeat.

That's the enemies strategy. You have to take care of your heart. In it rests the original glory of God, forget original sin, thats a weapon of the devil. We are made in God's image, there is no sin in His image. Jesus opened the way to restore that Glory, and if we nuture it then we cannot lose.

I need to learn about walking with God, receiving his intimate counsel for deep restoration. To restore my heart to what he made it to be. I don't fully understand this but I know i have to submit to allow it to happen.

I just need prayer for strength against attack, because at the moment I am too weak to fight for myself...

Look around yourself though, the enemy is there. Guard your heart, please, with everything you have because it is the key to surviving the battle.

Awake from your sleep, cast off the Veil of Familiarty, open the eyes of your heart. Arise and shine...

New Family Arrival!

It's Arrived. Finally.

Just in time to distract me from cramming for exams!!!

She arrived yesterday, a healthy bouncing Vintage V940FL.



Now just to learn how to play it properly, then roll on all the usual strange looks from people at church!

Purify My Imagination

Purify my imagination
with you beauty O Lord
Nourish my mind with Your truth
That I may worship
Quicken my conscience to Your holiness
in Your presence O Lord
that I may worship

Sweet adoration, sweet adoration
Holy, Holy, Holy, Is The Lord
Sweet adoration, sweet adoration
Holy, Holy, Holy, Is The Lord our God

Take away the sting of bitterness
by your mercy O Lord
Awaken my soul to Your Grace
That I may worship
How can I hold unforgiveness
knowing you forgave me
i surrender my life my all
that i may worship
Godfrey Birtill 2004(C)Thankyou Music

journey part 2

continued...

it's just that i dont understand why it keep's happening. why it keep coming back, why when i feel good i still have the undercurrent of a dark heart underneath... I am willing to go through anything to get rid of this pain. i have no other option, if it carries on i fear i will lose my faith. I desperately do not want to lose Sam, but if it is God's will, then I will accept it. I now place everything into Has hands, my Sam, my Life, my everything. I want my life to be His Glory, but i need to know what He wants from me. I have such a fear of making wrong decisions, that i end up making no decisions at all, then i become weak, i need His to keep in me, and to keep me in his will.

I do not think it is His will that we should be apart though, God has given my a servents heart for Sam's passion. I long to see her stride forward in glory for God, that i may translate God's heart to her, that i may provide for her, and our family.

Now is it too much to ask from an infinate God to be free? am i just being selfish? Is it right that we should accept our lot and assume that 'this' is where God wants us to be, or does he want us four rungs up tha ladder and out of where we are now? to move on and grow. I really don't know. I learn that we need to be thankful for all we have, what ever happens, but then we are encouraged to run forwards for God, to ask and we shall be give. Sometimes i just cant get my head round it.

I want to make sacrifices for God, i want to work for Him towards his Glory.

I feel i have seen His glory, with 500 or so other adults and children. I have seen his spirit poured out and his freedom in a cattleshed in lincoln. Fis fire burned so bright, and His spirit felt so overwhelming that i didn't know what to do with myself, other than play my bass and cry at the perfect singing of angels that rung deafening in my ears. I felt i could never leave, and i realise that i may have left some of myself there. my greatest fear was losing that fire, and now back home it has gone again...

I want to reflect His glory and grace in my relationship with Sam and in fatherhood. I have to give my self to Jesus and only then will i be free to be given selflessly to those i am called to serve. Love protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perserveres. Currently i stand guilty of not doing these things. It should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs. Again, guilty.

'Faith - Hope - Love, but the greatest of these is hope'

I have faith and i have hope that God will release me, release me to love abundantly and freely.

Because 'LOVE NEVER FAILS'

Now is the time to fight for what I love...

Journey to the centre of the soul...

I write this to make it real, i write this so that i dont forget.

it may not be best idea, but i lack the courage to talk. this exists as an apology, and attempt at honesty. perhaps the start of a journey.

so here i am facing my fear of being known.

I suffer depression; it's an emptiness, a loss of hope, it lives through fear, and mistrust. i have always had this, but it comes in waves, most of the time i can lift myself out of it, but when i lose my grip, i slip and fall, and i fall so deep i can hardly get out again.

too many times has it taken away from my life, like a thief stalker it's always been there, it took my childhood (or at least what i can remember), it took my teenage years, it took my confidence, it took my education my first love (in one fell swoop), it tried the same a year later and after a two year struggle it won again. Again i had to run. I thought i had lost everything, but all it does is blinker me from the truth (at that time i was saved by one man, and my family stood beside me and dragged me back to life).

It causes me to focus inwards, magnifying my 'hurts', reminding me of how it has won before. In the past i drifted towards suicide, never having the courage make that step, i numbed the pain with self harm (the scars are it's most poignant trophy). Even now as I have faith, it still stalks, rearing it's ugly head when i lower my guard

Too many times has it tried to destroy my faith and my life with Sam, as it did again last night.

But it has to stop. I cant carry on, and neither can Sam. I'm not allowing this rot to rise any further.

(I'm not saying that its a demon, or a separate entity, i am fully aware that it is me. but for the moment, it helps to place it in the third person).

I lost trust in those around me, i dont know why, it all seems so irrational , but i decided that the world is full of evil, that it and the majority of people on it are utterly detestable. I felt angry, I felt at a loss of what to do. I grew tired as Sam and I talked, i becam frustrated at my own position, and then it zoomed in. Suddenly i was the only sentient being on this planet, the only thing that mattered, i was gone. We left the evening with me speed off in the van, and Sam walking off, and my brain told me it was over. Why was i doing this? what was happening, I began to question my faith. Why had i hurt Sam again, against everything i have prayed over the last. I felt as a living contradiction to all i have asked for, to who i felt led to be. I lost trust in Jesus, I'm so sorry, it hurts writing that now (so foolish) but thats what i did...

I was so far gone i had no idea i was hurting Sam even more by being so self centred (the worst of my traits). It becomes a viscious circle, it shadows my heart, blocks the true feelings i have and replaces them with over powering self hatred, which makes me more hurtful to others, and then the guilt and the resignation steps in...
I was losst, back where i started this journey 4 years ago, alone in a car, late at night, tearing myself to pieces, ready to die (or so said the 'reailty' in my head)... Even now i am wracked with fear and guilt of writing this, that it will do more harm than good, that i'm focusing in, but i have to face my enemy to destroy it, fear is no longer an option...

It is not true, i am not lost. But i do need a release. my release will come through Jesus. He can remove the chains from my heart, set me free, to let the love i have for Sam flow out in it's true form, not the needy desperate persona of a lonely child, but a strong love, a love that trusts, and that can be trusted. The love that Jesus has for me.

What can i do to stop this from happening again? Something needs to change, I know the key lies with Jesus. I just have not suceeded in making the practical connection yet. I have done so much wrong in my life, but this is not the place for that confession. I have been forgiven, my sins are gone, and i have been reborn, but I do not feel free, as the depression came with me...

Firsts

Life is full of firsts... In some senses, an abundance of firsts is a good thing, but over emphasis on first is risky. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of bettering first each time, creating numerous problems: Self acceptance never comes, decadence and sensationalism take over, life becomes shallow, fickle, and ultimately dissapointing. This society is dogged by moving forwards, by having more fun, making more money, discovering more, more of everthing. fashions change and the undercurrents grow stronger. People have to take more to keep the lights on, or the sensation fades. Drugs are cheaper and more readily available, and stronger, pornography is more degrading and vile than ever before, the occult is the norm.

I am guilty of wanting more in various aspects of my life. I guess it all comes down to heart: the difference between ambition/greed passion/obsession...

But I am trying to learn to accept what I have, to work at what I do, making an investment in my life and the lives of those I affect.

I love first.

but I also love seconds, thirds, and the feeling of 'being' somewhere, as oppossed to 'going' somewhere.

This is my first post.

I hope this grows to become something, that I may learn about myself and my faith. My musings may seem discordant at times, but thats all part of the process. It'll get there in the end!